Any more sloppy, I'd be classified liquid.

I've been such a slob, sooooo lethargic and purposeless and lazyyyyyy.

Sure, it's been really relaxing, but it's not comfy because I'm in a constant state of anxiety.

I have a few things to blog about, so this shall be an all-in-one.

--- Firstly ---

Yesterday was such a good day. OB, lunch with OB team mates, Macro, sitting around at the deck with Peiling and Seleena, performance appraisal with Pikaboss, ride home with Mom.

OB in the morning, fun. Very fun. (Actually objectively speaking, the class is not exactly fun. It's just all relative to my other classes, you see.) I spoke up once or twice, which I hope is creating a momentum for me to speak up more regularly for class. Our team volunteered for a silly thing, but it was fun, and it was a relief to know that Fahmi and Qian Li are open to this kind of thing. I mean, back last semester, for OE, I would not have hesitated to respond to the call for volunteers, because our team was so close as friends, and everyone was used to my "crazy antics", to quote Fahmi. But with these new boys, I was a little hesitant at first!

Prof called for 4 volunteers and my first thought was, oh, 4 people, perfect. My second thought was, ohhhkay, maybe the boys won't be up for it. And then Peiling said to me, let's go la! Then I kinda went like aerghhhhrrmm... I'm always like that when it comes to the point of making a quick decision. I can't be firm and just say YES let's do this. But anyway, then the prof said, two ladies and two gentlemen. And at that point I looked at Fahmi, he looked at me, it was a split second thing when we kinda both went, wanna go? ...okay let's go! And then he said, 'I thought this isn't your kinda thing,' to which I replied, 'I thought this isn't your kinda thing.' It's so funny because on hindsight, we were both holding back for fear that the other party would be uncomfortable with it, but we both actually wanted to do it. I think I'm coming to realise that him and I have quite some similarities, which was testified by the world's quickest personality test that the prof made us do in front of the class.

It was a silly thing which had the 4 of us standing in a row facing the class, with our arms stretched out in front of us and our eyes closed. We listened to what the guy in the video said, and I felt my arms drifting further and further apart, uncontrollably. I was thinking, oh my God I must be looking so stupid! I kept chewing on my lip. But it was funny eventually, when we opened our eyes and saw how far apart our arms were! Or in Qian Li's case, how they didn't move at all. I personally had a good laugh.

Lunch was nice. Talked so much, listened to so much stuff too, including Fahmi's life story hahaha. Surprising how many things we can talk about in an hour and a half! It was a perfect ice-breaking session, very natural. At least to me, it felt like we made the proper transition from acquaintances/classmates, to friends/team mates. I would say that Fahmi and I were already friends, but it was good to have all four of us together. Though there's still that occasional recurring fear of Fahmi's words from last semester, that working on the same team might 'destroy our friendship'. Hmmmm.

Macro class was wayyyy better than the first lecture. Probably because we sat in front. I didn't read up prior to the lecture, but I could mostly follow! Sat with Zehao. Whee, so good to have a familiar face around. Still very draining to sit through that lecture though. Once again, when we hit the 40-minute mark, my attention started wavering like crazy. Soon after, my brain refused to cooperate.

After class, went to the deck, where Peiling and I sat talking. Seleena happened to pass by! She settled down with us. Saw Di Wei too, but he didn't stop by for long, as always. It was nice having a chat with the girls. Later, Pikaboss came and we had a rather informal performance appraisal. It was more of a chance to chat and talk about the elections that just passed, among all sorts of other things. I didn't wanna leave, but I had to. Took the bus to Mom's office for the first time, and got a ride home. All was good, all was well. That summed up my nice yesterday.

--- Secondly ---

I had such an interesting dream last night! There was some element of fear, someone coming after me to kill me or something, but the environment was really interesting. I was in a shopping mall with Mom, and we were browsing all the shops for a necklace. A necklace with a pendant of a guitar. And then we browsed so many shops, when we came to one shop, which had basically everything I had never ever thought of owning, but I loved upon first sight. Accessories and bags and such, it was paradise. I wanted nearly everything in that shop, all those ribbons and anklets and earrings and tote bags of all interesting shapes, sashes and bangles and bracelets and even pillowcases! I loved every single item in that shop, but I was searching for just one item.

I want an anklet. I very badly want an anklet, and I've been wanting it for a week or so.

The anklet that I used to wear for two years decided to retire. In fact, it retired exactly a year ago, when I went to Montreal. It didn't actually retire back then. More of like I put it on holiday into my wallet, because I didn't want to crush it against my ankle in my winter boots. Later in the year, I probably wore it around some of the times, but not too much, especially not in Ukraine, because I was afraid that all my activities would make it snap. Anyway, some time after I returned to Singapore in August, I permanently let it retire, because the hook became faulty. I didn't want to risk losing it while wearing it.

Many months passed and my ankle remained unadorned. I thought that I would miss its presence, but I didn't, until... One day last week, the lack of an anklet on my right ankle SUDDENLY hit me. Come on, talk about delayed reaction? Anyway, my ankle has been feeling so naked ever since that day. I wrote a memo on my phone, "I want an anklet!" And I guess that contributed to my dream last night.

In that dream, I was searching so hard for an anklet. I was with Mom, probably because she's the one who bought me the other two anklets that I have owned in this lifetime. Both of those anklets have retired. I am in desperate want of another anklet, but I don't even know where to buy one from. I never found that anklet in that paradise shop in my dream. I just couldn't find one that suited me.

Today, I continued my search for my anklet, in real life. I didn't find one. I'm sorely disappointed. I don't want my ankle to remain unadorned much longer. It just feels so strange. Those years of my life when I had my anklet, I grew dependent on it.

I can't believe I just waxed literary on my anklet. But really. I think I have tendencies to be sentimental about small items, such as my pencil.

That concludes the second part of my post.

--- Thirdly ---

I've been considering many serious decisions in life. 

1. To take a leave of absence from NUS next semester. (For my family.)
2. To apply for NOC (the apps close in a few days, so this is a really really really quick decision that I have to make) which would mean another semester away from NUS.
3. To run for EB in AIESEC.

I'm really torn. There is my own future to consider. There are also the heavy responsibilities of the household. I can't carry so much at once, because I'm not capable enough. Therefore, I escape. I borrow a novel, I lie in bed and I lose myself in it. I watch episodes of Glee, one after another, and push all thoughts of work and responsibilities out of my head. It's so irresponsible. I binge, too. On snacks. And I can't get my butt out of the house to exercise. Darn.

I'd like to think of myself as responsible. But I know I have issues with that. I know that sometimes, when I can afford the time, I run away. I escape from the things that I need to deal with, because at least for now, other people can help tide me through. Time is not pressing me so tightly yet.

Sigh. I don't know, sometimes I feel so lost and helpless, and most of all, lonely. Rationally, I know I have so many friends, and such close family members. But there is always such difficulties when I think hard and realise that in this world, I'm just... alone.

---

And this concludes this all-in-one post. I call it that, because it should have been three separate posts. But I procrastinated, and thus ended up writing them all together.